[Letters]

This is a more regular occurrence than it should be. 

Watching the guys at 420. 

Dear Dad- T-minus 6 days until your favorite holiday. My-oh-my how I will miss coming down in the morning and drinking coffee with you and sharing the couch with you. Thanks for teaching me the importance of celebrating. Dear 3 Humble Dudes from Eau Claire - You guys played a pretty stellar set last night at open mic. I really like hearing you three share your musical talents; you inspire me. Dear Finals Week - Sometimes I pick up way too many work shifts during you, which doesn't leave me much time to study when obviously I need to be social as well. There's always next semester for solid grades. Dear Toes and Fingers - Sometimes I wonder if you'll ever be warm. I usually buy hot drinks for the sole (haha, get it?) purpose of helping you out. I also fantasize about pouring hot coffee directly into my socks on the daily. Also, fingers, you are currently sporting 10 different colors of nail polish; I dig it. Dear Friends - This strange week means I get to see a lot more of some of you (Jordan, Maddie, and the guys), but a lot less of some of you. Why can't I have the best of both worlds? #hannahmontanaprobs

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful…

...for surprise dates with Luke that include authentic delis, absolutely magical sleigh rides, sitting by three fires, and of course, eating ice cream, drinking coffee and watching Wes Anderson. 
…for curfews and actually getting sleep lately.
...for Saturday morning caf dates with my best friend Molly.
...for afternoons at Racy's spent journaling with hot coffee watching the slow snow.
...for the Governor's community and our annual white elephant exchange.
...for Jenna and the way we connect. I think we could spend hours talking and never run out of things to talk about. She is so wise.
...for gift cards from appreciative friends and learning how to receive love in this way.
…for oranges, always for oranges.
...for christmas lights, especially when set to music.
...for difficult conversations that span for days, truth that triumphs over lies, and giving up everything to God when I realize I just can't do it on my own. 
...for Jordan, who saved my butt when I was making these brownies today and who I know genuinely cares when she asks how I am doing. 
...for a life worth celebrating. 
...for spontaneous fireworks that made an adventure/fake birthdate the most magical evening of all.
...for moonlit tromping in the snowy woods and harvested corn fields. 
...for finding out exciting news. and sort of unrelated: for Ariel and the time we get to spend together.
...for Alexi, and how our blogs have basically become secret notes to each other. (I love you dearly).
...for moments of intimacy with God and realizing how he truly is the only one who can satisfy.

[Gratitude]

Some days, I am just overwhelmed by how much God loves me. I should be thanking him every single day for all that he does for me, but my offerings are meager in contrast to his greatness. 

I am thankful…

…for good earth tea that soothes my sore, once again sick, throat. 
…for mornings I can sleep in and move slowly.
…for ASL classes that only last 20 minutes.
…for that abandoned room with green walls whose corners have held me as I've cried.
…for scripture and truth sent in times of great need.
…for sunny rooms and honest conversations with Jordan.
…for finally being able to see my dear sister, Molly.
…for Alexi hugs and how she makes me feel like the most important person on earth whenever I see her.
…that I can watch Holland and Coral laugh together and have my heart be lightened. 
…for afternoons spent in Davies, leaning against Ariel's legs, getting a back massage, and discussing some of the scarier things of our lives, but claiming that Jesus is greater.
…for Yui, because he covers me up with his giant puffy coat when I am freezing. 
…for Coral and the way she so willingly and honestly shares. I am so blessed by that girl and really hopeful that we can have a blogging community party next week with many of our lovely friends. 
…that I continue to be pursued by a Godly man who challenges me, cares for me, and makes me laugh until my sides hurt. His sense of adventure and willingness to encourage my orange obsession bless me.
…for spontaneous thankful, hopeful, and how-God-is-working lists with Michelle when life seems gloomy.
…for coming home to paper snowflakes taped to my door with bible verses written on them. 
…for ab ripper with Ben and Luke that brought me way back to last April and made me see how far we've all come. So grateful for these two. Also, my hip flexors hurt and I won't be able to walk tomorrow. 
…for my bible study. I was almost in tears tonight as I realized how much I just love being with these people, my sisters, my friends. They question, they laugh, they make me laugh, and they have insights that blow me out of the water. They also give me candy, which rocks. 
…for a God who consistently pursues me and works towards my transformation even when I don't remember or acknowledge it. He is a redeemer. He is a friend. His promises are trustworthy and true. 

For that I am infinitely grateful. 

[Gratitude]

I am thankful…

…for fat snowflakes that fall on my head and cover the ground and make for great Christmas spirit!
…for boys that let me play football with them, even when I can't throw as far as them and sometimes my fingers freeze and I do the splits sliding in the snow.
…for Jordan Gilbertson; her touches, her snapchats, and the way that she always makes me feel so welcomed and loved whenever I walk into James' room. 
…for the "Good News of Great Joy" advent devotional and how much it is blowing me away every single day. "Do not think, because you experience adversity, that the hand of the Lord is shortened. It is not our prosperity but our holiness that he seeks with all his heart." 
…for this boy and the poetry he creates and the art he sees and the ways he inspires me.
…for skylight and being able to see Alexi and Anna and receive love from them through touch and through words. 
…for a blogging community with Ariel and Alexi and how excited we get about each other's blogs.
…for Justin Weber and the words of encouragement and affirmation he speaks into me. Also, the way that he cares for me by making me tea and throwing away my tissues when I miss the trash.
…for the ability to focus and get work done these past few days.
…for this three hour medley of Christmas songs that just gets me in the spirit and reminds me of evenings with my friends. 
…for phone conversations with my mother when life is good and we get to rejoice in that together.
…for God providing all kinds of crazy opportunities when I clear my schedule and let him have all of my time.
…for Christmas trees! Alllll the Christmas trees.
…for being able to look forward to Racy's dates when I have ants in my pants. 
…for Beautiful Eulogy and the lyrics to According to God that pretty much speak my thoughts. 
…for Wednesday afternoons with Michelle and all that she teaches me and our exploration of our love languages and what that looks like in our lives. 
…for honest breakfasts with Ashley and the way we can laugh about our similarities.
…for paper snowflakes, Christmas socks, and Christmas twine. 
…for prayer nights that recenter our hearts on Paul's words in Romans 9 and remind us to give up control.
…for a bible study that isn't afraid to ask questions, a co-leader that isn't afraid to speak truth and put her beliefs into words, and a group of friends who can pray for and support each other.

[Gratitude: For This City]

I spent most of my weekend at home, in Appleton. I have been reconciling myself to this city as well. God has begun to give me his heart for this place. I have been lamenting the brokenness of my city, the abuse, the poverty, the greed, the selfishness.

But I see that He is not absent. He is present here. God is at work. 

There are beautiful parts about my city as well.
I find beauty in the kindness of the workers at the Y, which became a home and a haven for me in high school.
I find beauty in the weekly farmers market downtown on Saturday mornings.
I find beauty in the trails in Memorial and Plamann parks.
I find beauty in the creation of productions at my high school, especially Holiday Classics.
I find beauty in the Thrivent bike trail and the way families seem to flock there to the point where I can't go there without seeing someone I know.
I find beauty in Mrs. Reich's EBD classroom as the children there learn more about what it means to be loved than anything academic.
I find beauty in the way this city gets around Christmas; the bright lights, the decorated downtown, the Christmas parade filled with families and runners and little ones, and the tree in city park.
I find beauty in the way God sees this city, in the way he is going to redeem it, in the way he will make this place new as he brings restoration to all of creation.

[Inspiration]

i don't have to create poetry
it already exists in the world around me

i see poetry
in coming home to a room lit with christmas lights
in bowls of hot soup and rolls at my favorite coffee shop
in mugs filled with holiday lattes, hot apple cider, and weak coffee

i see poetry
in friends-turned-sisters who will call and talk
even when it's 11pm and i'm doing dishes
and i don't really have anything to say
i just wanted to hear her voice

i see poetry
in the father who wears long underwear
because he knows his kids like the house cold
in the brother who brings his uncles good beer
and patiently teaches his sister how to make chocolate mousse

i see poetry
in the cousin who bakes a half-dozen loaves of her mother's bread
so there's enough for us to all take one home
in the cousin who used to sit me on his lap when I was a young child
and tell me of his desire for children,
now gently lay his hand on his wife's pregnant belly

i see poetry
in three generations
grandmother, mother, granddaughter
lying on the floor of the living room
sharing and laughing and digesting from the full meal

i see poetry
in my two uncles, brothers that remain
sitting in the kitchen to make room for us to eat
one who stays late to do the dishes
one whose eye's fill with tears at every toast
as he remembers the loss of his parents and three brothers

i see poetry
in the grandmother who watches a video
of her granddaughter seven times in one night
and will show it to anyone willing to watch
pride and love and a hint of loneliness shining in her eyes

i see poetry
in a family that has experienced great loss
that knows of pain and grief and death
but sees the beauty, the soul necessity, of coming together
and knows of celebration and joy and new life

i see poetry
in rolling out homemade dough on a floured countertop
in slicing green apples and carefully measuring cups of flour
in writing new ingredients in the margins of old recipes
in the process of creating

i see poetry
in the big things that are deemed small
in the hardship and the fulfillment
in celebration and in joy
because of all the good things a good God gives

i see poetry
in the world around me
and so i give thanks

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful…

…for dates with my best friend Molly that include time to paint and talk and laugh. 

…for hilarious a cappella concerts with old friends.

…for Friday nights spent sitting on my bed, knitting and sleeping early. 

…for safety.

…for those days when I am just glad to come back to my dorm and the people that I love there.

…for movie nights and the laughter and jokes and shared friendship.

…for spontaneous stargazing, running through old corn fields, drinking hot coffee, watching this movie, wrapping up like a burrito, and being accepted in all of my weirdness. 

…for Maddie Vetsch and Jordan Gilbertson and all of the light and joy they bring to my life.

…for mothers who respond to sick texts at 5am.

…for friends who are understanding and forgiving.

…for Molly Bray, who brings me meals in to go boxes and checks on me three times a day.

…for afternoons spent editing videos.

…for five women that hold a special place in my heart getting ready for the big concert and letting me take an excess of pictures of them.

…for Sunday night prayer time and the restoration and freedom it brings. 

[Gratitude]

My dear friend Alexi's blog is reminding me so often to be thankful. I have thought before about creating blog posts specifically about gratitude, but I wanted this whole blog to be thankful and praiseworthy to God. But you know what, friends? Some days all I want to do is make lists of what I am thankful for. And that makes Jesus really happy, I think. 

It is impossible to spend too much time thanking and praising Me. I created you first and foremost to glorify Me. [Jesus Calling]

I am thankful
…for albums on noise trade that come just in the nick of time. 

…for times when I am able to get much-needed homework done.

…for the opportunity to film friends talking about God.

…for Anna Mateffy and her hugs, her care, and her homemade cookies.

…for worship nights that remind me what is most important. 

…for Jesus Calling. That book speaks to me right where I'm at every single day. 

…for a roommate I can cry with and laugh with and be sick around. 

…for light dustings of snow that I can make shoe tracks in.

…for Michelle Shrader and the ability to be real around her. 

…for bananas. 

…for my mama and the comfort and truth she speaks into my life.

…for nights spent in the laundry room pouring out my heart to my sister. 

…for sickness that forces me to slow down and rest.

…for nights spent praying under Christmas lights.

…for off-brand oreos with a little bit of crunchy peanut butter inside. 
..for caring friends who bring me the BRAT pack and sit on my bed just relaxing for hours. 

[Over the Weekend]

Friends, I have so many blog posts running around in my head right now that it almost makes it impossible for me to blog anything. But I had an incredible weekend and I really want to share it. 

Here are some beautiful moments: 

My friends and I road tripped it over to the cities for a fun night of shopping, sampling, nail painting, and getting some delicious food at IHOP. Our waitress Mary was an absolute gem. 

I got to wake up after a full nights rest and go on a real run. It has been so long since I have done that and I haven't felt more like myself in months. It was so good. 

I ate brunch at Randy's with my dear friend Meghan. Talking to her fills me with so much joy and I love to hear what God is teaching her. I am so blessed and humbled by her wisdom.

I got to spend a few hours alone in my room, just getting things done and enjoying the solitude, something that has been greatly lacking in my life lately.

I spent time in the empty library Saturday afternoon, which was actually really relaxing.

Eating my mother's soup made it even better.

Molly and I got to eat dinner and process through some things we are dealing with, which was so refreshing and really helped to further put my mind at ease.

I spent the evening with Luke and our good friends Tom and Kelsey at Tom's house. 

It was great to get off campus and enjoy some tea and relaxing company.

We all painted hybrid spirit animals of ourselves and it was the funniest, most peaceful thing I have done in a long time.

Saturday was the most wonderful day. I felt more like myself than I have in a long time.

Sunday morning, I got to play with two boys, Patrick and Kennan who just fill me with laughter and smiles. Kennan's red hair and kind words melted my heart.

I spent the afternoon with Alexi, filming a video that I will hopefully soon post! I am so excited about it! During filming, I kept having moments where it all just felt surreal. I just couldn't believe how blessed I was to be able to be creating so many forms of art with someone I love so dearly. 

My heart is full and reentered after this weekend. 

I can't explain why, but this weekend has just helped me to regain a sense of self. 

I feel so joyful and blessed to be given this gift of restoration.

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful…

…for friends that come to take me home, buy me lunch, and don't mind if I sleep in the backseat.

…for warm flannel in chilly houses, for packer bathrooms, and for mothers that say yes to sewing ideas.

…for breakfasts that begin at 11am and include grapefruit, pumpkin pancakes, coffee, and sunshine. 

…for little glass jars with paint splatters and enjoying the process more than the product.

…for adventurous mothers who bring back stories, sadness, laughter and beautiful handmade gifts from Africa. 

…for friends who dress mega-classy, buy me caramel chai, drive me around the state, give me their old clothes, laugh with me, celebrate my joys, and allow me to go home and go to bed at 11pm.

Hightlights include: a Friday morning nap, Annette saying "no" to the worker at Culvers, getting winter necessities like hand lotion, making (and eating) homemade pizza #tradition, touching soft African fabric, stone nativity sets, and rough djembes, sleeping in under a warm wool quilt, solid antique store finds, watching hilarious home videos with my bestie, being gifted with "new"clothes,  drinking Chai with the old crew, reconciling my view of my home church, hearing my mom and Jenny laugh about Africa, making fall hummus, a phone call full of laughter on the way home, prayer and truth from the servant team meeting, winning the apple toss rematch with Jordan, and ending the night with personally selected gifts that speak of care and thought. 

[Letters]

Dear Dad- With it being your birthday month and the smell of all of these fall leaves, I really miss you and the fall hikes we used to take every year. Dear Luke John- You bless me by letting me wear your already-warm flannel, carrying a lactose pill in your wallet for spontaneous ice cream runs, staying up until the wee hours of the morning to spend time with me while I work, bringing me cookies at 10pm, and making me feel like Vincent VanGough when I share my art with you. I am so thankful for you. Dear Alexi- Today we checked "Go to the Goat and eat ice cream for breakfast" off of our bucket list. Thanks for being willing to accomplish this on a 20 degree day. I so value the time I get to spend with you. Dear Home- So far by raiding you I have found: 3 glue sticks, a sweater, wool socks, and 4 rolls of film. Who needs shopping? Dear Mama- Hearing about your trip to Africa fills my heart with joy. Even when you are telling me the "hard stories" I can feel God's heart for the people there and for you. I can't even believe how much you've blessed us by having this experience. The gifts you brought back were the most beautiful things I have ever seen. 

P.S. Today, I made homemade pizza with my mom, drove down Parkridge Ave, watched modern family, went downtown and to hobby lobby, petted my dog, and plugged in my Christmas lights. Even in the midst of tension and confusion about what a "home" is, these things make me feel at peace with where I am. 

[Letters]

Today has just been such a full day of joy. I don't even know how to describe it. This has been a crazy week for sure and I know that God stands firm throughout all of the highs and lows. I feel like I am entangled in a fascinatingly mysterious adventure. I think some people just call it "life."

I am in love with the contrasting brightness and gloominess that is fall.

This is currently my favorite picture. Luke wanted to capture the man fishing in the background. 

"I think I wasn't looking." "No, you're good." aaaand neither of us were. #notsurprising

This is not-so-slowly becoming my favorite place on campus. 

Dear Dad- Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you were here and saw my life today. Sometimes the day-to-day makes me feel like I'm not changing at all. But then days like today open my eyes to who I really am, where I've come from, and how crazy of a journey it has been. I do wish you could be a part of it sometimes. Dear Mistakes- Lately, you've been coming in the form of missing assignments, forgetting dates with friends, and oversleeping more than anyone ever should. Thank goodness my friends are gracious and forgiving, my grades aren't the most important thing, and I have been getting much needed sleep time. Dear Noon Lunch- Today, you included authentic egg rolls, getting bacon chai with my two vegetarian friends (I don't get it either), catching up with Trenten, Molly playing with my hair, and Amy asking me to give my testimony in front of a few hundred people. #herewego #usingmygifts #imightpuke Dear Fellow Bloggers- I cannot tell you how pumped I am to have you joining me (or have me discover you) on the interwebs. Can anyone say COMMUNITY!? It's like I've just recently learned that the internet can be used to connect with people and I am fascinated. So Alexi, Rachel, Ariel, and Coral, get ready, because this girl is going to be following you like there's no homework to be done! (Also, what is this weebly business and how did I miss the memo? I'm so old school...) Dear Luke John- Thanks for loving surprises, going on spontaneous adventures, dressing in your fall best, and being honest. I couldn't ask for more than a man who makes me origami hearts and gives me his gloves when my hands are cold (this is always). I appreciate you. 

P.S. They have coffee ice cream and toffee crunch ice cream in the caf today. It's like they knew that Wednesdays are my ice cream days!

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful...

...for six hour road trips to Iowa with my best friend.

...for Molly Bray. 

...for mornings spent in coffee shops with lace curtains and old doors, catching up over breakfast sandwiches and coffee.

...for tours around new campuses with new friends who inspire me to live a Spirit-led life.

...for cozy coffee shops with chai tea, board games, laughter, and phone calls.

...for a dear friend and the chances we've gotten to see each other over the last three years.

...for a weekend that has restored my soul and my ability to laugh and love freely. 

...for authentic delis, glass soda bottles that carry more memories than drops of liquid, and for a boyfriend who is willing to share his lamb with his vegetarian girlfriend.

...for a small venue that held one big show.

...for music that pumped up the body and the soul.

...for drums, dancing, and a night with my friend and partner-in-crime. 

Highlights include: chatting nonstop for six hours in the car with Molly, hugging all of my Iowa friends again, eating Mu Shoo again, meeting Justin and Andy and getting to have real conversations about ministry, Jesus, and rest, playing bowls and four on a couch, delicious coffee to wake me up both mornings, a sermon that spoke to what I am learning, a home-cooked community meal, listening to a sermon that amazed me and grew me, meeting more of the people that are important in Luke's life, seeing twenty-one pilots perform live, drinking McDonald's sweet tea, and declaring that Jesus is Lord and that his name has power. He has overcome. He has won. We are free. 

[Letters]

215 Bible Study, learning to put the most important above the less important since 2013 #greatness

Dear Dad- The other night I watched one of your favorite movies. I miss going to the theaters and splitting popcorn and cherry pepsi with you. Our dates were some of my favorite nights. Dear 215 Bible Study- I'm starting to really like this group. You guys ask really good questions, challenge me to learn more, and encourage me in the way your faith is growing. Plus, you guys like crafts, so you're all good in my book. #marthastewart Dear 2-6am Shift- You make me super hungry and you get less and less productive every week. But sometimes, I wake up at 1:37am and it is raining outside and I have an email with whale pictures and it is a good day to be awake. Dear Luke- Your encouragement and thoughtfulness astound me, as do your baking and dish washing skills. We should make not-pies more often. #oatmealhands #grandmasapron

P.S. I've been munching on this quote lately and I think I will continue to for a while. I don't plan on understanding it anytime soon. I recognize and accept that it is a process... it is ALL a process. 

“Our lives are mostly small with a few peaks, but even the peaks seem smaller as the years go by. God’s way is to lead us into faithfulness in little. It’s the steady culmination of these faithful, small deeds that makes our lives dynamic and great. It comes down to loving the people right in front of you, serving when no one is looking, remaining loyal to the truth and maintaining a perpetual dialogue with God through His word. Really, all the hype is just that, hype…. But once you you grasp the simplicity of reality, it’s glorious.” -Misty Edwards

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful...

for wool sweaters that speak of fall.

for boat shoes and freshly fallen leaves.

for new friendships, overalls, puns, and learning how to be a girlfriend.

for being able to be a number one fan to these two ladies. 

for a boyfriend who is a total stud, inside and out.

for blacklight dance parties, toppers sticks, and a weekend with friends.

for Sunday afternoon spent alone on the river, napping, praying, writing, and most importantly, restoring.

for friends who bring me apples to make pie and boys who give me new music to expand my horizons.

for best friends who bring me sunflowers in bright orange vases.

Highlights include: Collaging on the floor while listening to Clement Chen, cabin dates, a fall hike at the priory, picking wild grapes, babysitting 28 littles, learning how to wobble, eating toppers sticks on the floor with new friends that seem old, Saturday morning breakfast picnics with good music, a tea and cribbage double date with Trenten and Lexie, being able to continue my passion of filming with my community, watching Fantastic Mr. Fox with four close friends and a taco, a service of truth and surrender through worship, having four-year olds part their bums on my lap for an hour, napping at a cello concert, sealing truth by the water, pumpkin chocolate cinnamon lattes, catching up with my best friend and sister, and a night of calm alone in my room.