[Thoughts]

"Today I've decided to let it all go, I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy." [India Aire]

I'm a person who loves rules. Rules at work, rules at school, fashion rules, and most importantly, rules that I make for myself. But what about when I give my rules too much power? I made pages of lists of rules that I wanted to follow this summer, and continually felt disappointed in myself when I didn't follow all of them, which happened fairly often because they were so strict. So I decided to try LSN all over again, but in August, and much stricter.

However, this time, instead of feeling freed of the chains of technology and consumerism, I felt smothered and constrained by my own restrictions. I didn't feel empowered or accomplished, I just felt like I was punishing myself. I was taking away many of the things that brought me happiness because I felt happiness was unproductive. 

But what if, I just let myself live? 

That was honestly a lightbulb moment for me this morning. Yes, there are times when we need to examine ourselves and make productive changes in life, but there are also times when we need to stop examining ourselves and just be free.

I feel like part of me forgets that I'm only 19, I don't have to have done it all already. I still have plenty of life left to live, and if I'm not enjoying myself at all, what is the point? My family has told me that I put too much pressure on myself, my friends have said I make too many rules, others have said the things I do are pointless. I wouldn't go so far as to say that, because many of the rules I set for myself have such great purpose, but sometimes, yes, I am punishing myself unnecessarily.

I am sick of feeling guilty every time I drive my car, which is usually only once a week. I've loved sleeping in my tent, hearing the rain at night, feeling the breeze, crawling into a sleeping bag, but I'm also a little tired of waking up freezing or sweating, brushing spiders and earwigs off of my clothes, and having a puddle on my blanket from forgetting to zip the window shut before I fell asleep.

And as I went through those pages of lists of rules that I made for the summer, many of them I actually did stick by. I feel that I lead an intentional life this summer, and I will continue to. But I also need to give myself a little grace and remember that I can't do it all.

Gotta remember my Papa, who taught me to never take life too seriously.