[Thoughts]

"If you look closely at a tree you'll notice it's knots and dead branches, just like our[selves]. What we learn is that beauty and imperfection go together wonderfully." [Matthew Fox]

This has been weighing on me a bit lately, I think I'm starting to slide back into my old ways because of the change of going to college. I was unsure if I should post this, but I think sharing things on my blog is a way of acknowledging it, and hopefully, promoting positive change and healing. 

I am a recovering perfectionist. I love order and cleanliness and control. I have the urge to constantly have everything be "okay." I spend hours making lists and checking emails and filling out my planner so that I can do everything and be everything and be "perfect."Life is messy and unpredictable and overlapping. "My Life" is ordered and symmetrical and color-coded. Everything and everyone in my life must have a title or a label. I follow rules set by others, but more importantly, the rules I set for myself. I skip lines when taking notes. I fold, categorize, and color-code my underwear drawer. I wear three rings and one watch, which I take off with one of my rings every night before bed. I listen to Mumford and Sons when I blog, Bon Iver when I study and nap, and The Avett Brothers and The Black Keys when I walk to class. I am routine. I am structure. Some try to pass it off as "detail oriented" but it's more than that. I struggle to allow myself a bit of breathing room. A messy desk, an unplanned event, a meal where I don't count every gram of protein I eat. It's been building up for a while, and I finally told a friend what I was feeling. He responded in this way, "We are, by our very fibers imperfect. You can strive to succeed forever and you never will. Failure and adversity are the very things that make us stronger as a person, and more interesting, and broaden our outlook and shape how we think." I'm striving to believe this is true. In my head I know that it is. I know that without sorrow I can never feel true joy. I know that obstacles strengthen me and make me more appreciative of what I have. I know that I can't control everything and everyone around me. I know that a fear of failure can rule, and ruin, my life. I am working, praying, and seeking full understanding of these truths, it is my hope that one day my eyes can truly see the beauty in imperfection.