[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful...

for wool sweaters that speak of fall.

for boat shoes and freshly fallen leaves.

for new friendships, overalls, puns, and learning how to be a girlfriend.

for being able to be a number one fan to these two ladies. 

for a boyfriend who is a total stud, inside and out.

for blacklight dance parties, toppers sticks, and a weekend with friends.

for Sunday afternoon spent alone on the river, napping, praying, writing, and most importantly, restoring.

for friends who bring me apples to make pie and boys who give me new music to expand my horizons.

for best friends who bring me sunflowers in bright orange vases.

Highlights include: Collaging on the floor while listening to Clement Chen, cabin dates, a fall hike at the priory, picking wild grapes, babysitting 28 littles, learning how to wobble, eating toppers sticks on the floor with new friends that seem old, Saturday morning breakfast picnics with good music, a tea and cribbage double date with Trenten and Lexie, being able to continue my passion of filming with my community, watching Fantastic Mr. Fox with four close friends and a taco, a service of truth and surrender through worship, having four-year olds part their bums on my lap for an hour, napping at a cello concert, sealing truth by the water, pumpkin chocolate cinnamon lattes, catching up with my best friend and sister, and a night of calm alone in my room. 

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful...

for long-awaited double dates and delicious home-cooked food.

for boys that dress up and look sharp in wool ties.

for Horan/Govs game nights and the community that it builds.

for friendships that survive wit comm distances.

for riking, climbing, laughing, and sisters.

for brave new friends that catch snakes with their feet so you can hold them.

for willing photographers, nature, and streams.

for people who prayed for me, supported me, and encouraged me as I told my story.

for best friends coming together and fall scarecrows.

because he thinks I'm good-looking. (It's mutual.)

Highlights include: an eggplant parmesan and brownie double date with Maddie and James, volleyball games, volleyball hats and sports!, playing bowls with a hilarious crowd, backyard musical and prayer worship, breakfast dates, riking with an awesome group, prayers and closeness in a field under the stars, a time of solo renewal, prayer time with my sister, being able to share what Jesus has done in me, trips to the apple orchard with the adventurous foursome, an Oceans 11 movie time, and a night of christmas lights and smiles. 

[Over the Weekend]

I am thankful...

for garden veggies and peaceful places of solitude.

for delicious snacks on sunny afternoons while I let God remind me of His story.

for a place to be restored...

 and a place to climb trees.

for 2nd floor and the women that live there, Dhyana, Jen, Lern, and Amy.

for Saturday morning scavenger hunts, words of encouragement, and talks on this river.

for being a part of what God is doing in Michelle's life.

for new friends named Adam that just fit the group.

 for being a part of a floor that celebrates, laughs, and EATS together.

 for a brother that shows me gentleness, a friend that shows me kindness, and a partner that shows me selflessness. 

for afternoon talks with Alexi in Racy's and time spent writing in the sun.

for my sister, my Jonathan, my best friend Molly and the way God is using us to teach, heal, and love each other. 

Highlights include: Breakfast dates with Anna, Friday morning ice cream at the goat, time in the most wonderful garden in Eau Claire, rooms bursting with people playing Mario Kart, guitar dates with Molly and Jordan, a movie with old friends and free popcorn, a Saturday morning-turned-afternoon not easily forgotten, filming for fall breakaway, phone conversations with my bestie, laughing and celebrating Yom Kippur at Olive Garden, a draining night of my own selfishness followed by the Father's forgiveness the next morning, wise words from Pastor Paul, tears and healing with my sister, sincere affirmations from Alexi, seeing how I fit into Jesus' story, and a restorative night of worshipping and praying with my God that is greater than all of my fears, worries, grief, and brokenness.

[Thoughts]

[Vulnerable]

I have been struggling lately with loving who I am created to be and believing that it is good.

This summer, I learned so much about who I really am, what I like, and what I need, but lately it's been tempting to just say forget it and try to be who I think other people want me to be. Try to be more social. Try to be better at being in groups. Try to be that person who always goes to everything, just to not be left out. Try to be ambiguous and mysterious because real, detailed plans are somehow "undesirable." Try to be that person that can GO and GO and not rest. Try to be the workaholic, the good student, the planner, the friend, the leader, the slacker, the dominant personality, the passive personality, the person who is there for everyone, always.

I've tried to be all of these lately and not surprisingly, I have failed miserably. I have hurt my friends in the process. Multiple friends, multiple times. I know that I have hurt God by not allowing myself to live fully as the daughter that he has created. #ineedforgiveness

Last night, I was miserable, not because I was doing things I didn't enjoy, but because I had the mindset that somehow what I was doing was wrong. Instead of spending the night with my community and going downtown, to dinner, playing volleyball, going to a concert, watching a movie, or playing night games, I just wanted to rest. I wanted to sit in Amy's living room and spill out my heart and cry. I wanted to bake pumpkin bread with Anna and sit and just be not okay... and cry. I wanted to go back to my room with my christmas lights on, listening to piano music and talking to Jesus. I wanted to go to bed at 11 because I was just that tired. And I did all of these things. I needed these things. But I did them reluctantly, with the guilt and worry heavy in my mind. Constantly thinking, "Where should I be?" "What should I be doing?" "Who should I be with?" "What am I missing?"

I just want to be in a place where I can accept who I am and how I am created. That what I need sometimes, is solitude. That I enjoy spending time with people one-on-one. That I actually like going to bed at a decent hour and getting up early. That I don't really like big groups of people. That Facebook makes me want to chuck my laptop out of the window because if you're looking at what other people are doing, you are literally always looking at what you "missed out on."



I also know that I absolutely love baking and I think I am good at it. When I can bake for other people it makes me delightfully happy. I am terrible at knowing the title, artist, album, and lyrics to songs. I forgot if I like bacon or hate it, so I usually just tell people I hate it to keep up my vegetarian image. I cry almost daily and I (usually) LOVE it. I have a really small bladder, but I'm bad at telling people I need to go to the bathroom. This is just who I am, really. It's a discovery. A work in progress.

There is no happy wrap up to this post. No takeaway message. You can't just tie up this struggle in a pretty Jesus bow. But I am learning that it is a process. That real, meaningful learning takes time. And I trust that if I seek Jesus daily and give up my life to him, he will do the rest.