[Thoughts]

[Vulnerable]

I have been struggling lately with loving who I am created to be and believing that it is good.

This summer, I learned so much about who I really am, what I like, and what I need, but lately it's been tempting to just say forget it and try to be who I think other people want me to be. Try to be more social. Try to be better at being in groups. Try to be that person who always goes to everything, just to not be left out. Try to be ambiguous and mysterious because real, detailed plans are somehow "undesirable." Try to be that person that can GO and GO and not rest. Try to be the workaholic, the good student, the planner, the friend, the leader, the slacker, the dominant personality, the passive personality, the person who is there for everyone, always.

I've tried to be all of these lately and not surprisingly, I have failed miserably. I have hurt my friends in the process. Multiple friends, multiple times. I know that I have hurt God by not allowing myself to live fully as the daughter that he has created. #ineedforgiveness

Last night, I was miserable, not because I was doing things I didn't enjoy, but because I had the mindset that somehow what I was doing was wrong. Instead of spending the night with my community and going downtown, to dinner, playing volleyball, going to a concert, watching a movie, or playing night games, I just wanted to rest. I wanted to sit in Amy's living room and spill out my heart and cry. I wanted to bake pumpkin bread with Anna and sit and just be not okay... and cry. I wanted to go back to my room with my christmas lights on, listening to piano music and talking to Jesus. I wanted to go to bed at 11 because I was just that tired. And I did all of these things. I needed these things. But I did them reluctantly, with the guilt and worry heavy in my mind. Constantly thinking, "Where should I be?" "What should I be doing?" "Who should I be with?" "What am I missing?"

I just want to be in a place where I can accept who I am and how I am created. That what I need sometimes, is solitude. That I enjoy spending time with people one-on-one. That I actually like going to bed at a decent hour and getting up early. That I don't really like big groups of people. That Facebook makes me want to chuck my laptop out of the window because if you're looking at what other people are doing, you are literally always looking at what you "missed out on."



I also know that I absolutely love baking and I think I am good at it. When I can bake for other people it makes me delightfully happy. I am terrible at knowing the title, artist, album, and lyrics to songs. I forgot if I like bacon or hate it, so I usually just tell people I hate it to keep up my vegetarian image. I cry almost daily and I (usually) LOVE it. I have a really small bladder, but I'm bad at telling people I need to go to the bathroom. This is just who I am, really. It's a discovery. A work in progress.

There is no happy wrap up to this post. No takeaway message. You can't just tie up this struggle in a pretty Jesus bow. But I am learning that it is a process. That real, meaningful learning takes time. And I trust that if I seek Jesus daily and give up my life to him, he will do the rest.